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To break the labor impasse - and save it from itself - baseball needs an emergency, one-off Super Supreme Court

Newsflash:  Friday, the players' union rejected MLB's proposal to send their current labor impasse to a federal mediator because, historically, those bozos tend to be pro-owner flunkies. The lockout now directly threatens the Feb. 16 opening of baseball camps.  

If the 2022 season is delayed, both baseball and America will be irreparably scarred. 

Both sides are dramatically underestimating the anger of fans, who for generations have forgiven their gluttony and avarice.  

It is time for drastic action. 

I hereby call for President Joe Biden to create a Super One-Off Supreme Court, comprised of great Americans, whose decision on this matter shall be binding. 

This One-Off Super Supreme Court will be comprised of nine American icons. Their ruling - taken by vote - shall decide the matter, once and for all. 


Chief Justice Bruce Fredrick Joseph Springsteen, 72. Entertainer, philosopher.

Justice Beyonce' Giselle Knowles-Carter, 40. Dancer, poet, mom.

Justice Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger, 74. Political leader, humorist.

Justice Michael Sylvester Gardenzio Stallone, 75. Fighter, brother of Frank.

Justice Michael Jeffrey Jordan, 58, Former baseball player, designer.

Justice Oprah Gail Winfrey, 68. Host, mogul, social critic. 

Justice Warren Edward Buffet, 91, Mathematician, futurist.

Justice Steven Allan Spielberg, 75. Filmmaker, romanticist. 

Justice Diana Ross, 77. Leader of the Supremes. 

FIRST ALTERNATE: Alphonso, age unknown, IT IS HIGH delegate (who is recovering well from Covid, by the way.)

President Biden, your job is simple: Draft these members by executive order. Convene the panel via Zoom. How about next Wednesday, 9 a.m.? Give each side 90 minutes to make its pitch. Let the Super Court have the weekend to mull. The following Monday, it will vote. The decision will be issued Tuesday, Feb. 15, with details to be hashed out later. By order of Chief Justice Springsteen... camps will open at their designated times.  

We can save baseball. Maybe, we can save America. Yeah, it's nutty. But you know what's nuttier? This current bullshit, with no end in sight. 

(Note: The comments section has some excellent replacement suggestions.)

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